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Sunday, July 15, 2007

On Language: Don't Dis Like
Safire's, like, on vacation or something this week, but Patricia T. O'Connor fills in with a column on "like." Specifically, how like can introduce a quotation ("'She's like, 'What unusual shoes you're wearing?''") or paraphrase one ("''She's like, my shoes are weird!'") Jennifer Dailey-O'Cain, an associate professor at the University of Alberta says of like, "'It's innovative, it serves a particular function and it does specific things that you can't do with other quotatives.'"

O'Connor summarizes:
So is the new like proper English? Well, the latest editions of The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language and Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary now include it as a usage heard in informal speech. That's not a ringing endorsement, but it's not a condemnation, either.
Which isn't bad, as she explains: "Yet part of the resistance to like may be its youthful rep." After all, "rep" to mean "reputation" (freely used by O'Connor and printed by the New York Times) isn't even listed in the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language. Merriam's Webster's lists it as "slang."

But how long will it be before like finds its way into the news section of the New York Times? My guess? Give it a year or so. After all, "dissing" first appeared as a quote-marked novelty ["Dissing (verb: to insult, from disrespect)"] in a 6/2/90 article headlined "How to Stop Dis From Escalating Into Bif and Bam." Yet on 9/9/91, the Times was dropping the D-bomb like they was from the old school: "Connors cared so much about winning, about himself, that he willed himself into the semifinals, even to the point of dissing a chair umpire one nasty evening." The subject of the article? Tennis, actually. Recently, a 3/2/07 article read: "A year later Zarin Mehta, the orchestra's president and executive director, is blithely dissing that lone CD release." The latest hip-hop feud? Hells, no. The article was about the New York Philharmonic's three-year recording contract with Deutsche Grammophon.

Word up-- keep it real.
Thursday, July 12, 2007

Amber is the Color of Security

It’s summer and you want to relax, but work’s a grind and your old lady is always nagging you about the litter box or the living room curtains. All this tension and heat are driving you to drink. A vacation seems like the perfect solution, and the 21st century American airport is arguably the best part of the trip. All this anti-terror campaigning now leaves American travelers safely wrapped in an amber security blanket as soon as they book the flight.

So its not 1947 and you’re not Howard Hughes-- no worries, Traveler, aviation’s heyday is just now burgeoning. Why, this border-control legislation has created the highest demand for US passports in the history of travel! Now, more Americans than ever are desperate to get out of the country-- and all will find they can do so with dignity and safety. After waiting six months to receive one’s $200 expedited passport and removing all nail files, safety pins, and contact lens solution from their carry-ons, it’s off to the airport. After several anxious sidelong glances at your line-mates and that suspicious fanny-pack left on the self-check-in kiosk, your tickets are collected, your passports stamped, and your boarding passes neatly tucked into an envelope bearing your gate’s number-- you’re now off to Security! Upon arrival to the security-ensuring area, you are safely felt up, patted down, interrogated further, and are shuffled half-dressed and shoeless through an x-ray machine. If you happen to be entering the US as a foreign traveler, you are invited to take some cozy photos and shake hands with a few security-ensuring machines that scan your iris and fingerprint you. No matter where you are from, you are encouraged to eat well and be merry in flight. There’s no better way to be awoken in transit than by an announcement urging you to scarf down your delicious home-made mozzarella and tomato lunch sandwiches at 7:45 in the morning so as not to incur a $500 fine when you’ve returned to the good ol’ US of A. We would'nt want any terrorists bringing their secret family recipes oversees, corrupting our refined American palates with their noxious flavors and tedious preparations. Surrounded by all these threats, yet shielded from them at every turn in American air travel will leave you feeling at first anxious, then superior, and ultimately, safe.
Your luggage is similarly cared for by American airport personnel, allowing you to travel worry and hassle-free about the globe. The bags, checked or carried, are treated with the same respect and care you gave them while packing them up at home. For example, airport staff at all points of transportation carefully inspect your luggage by X-ray and by hand for dangerous items such as battery-operated vibrators that have shifted and turned themselves on during ground transport or birth control pills and anti-depressants, to ensure that these items are legal and yours. Once you have explained your lifestyle and psychological defects to the baggage handlers and strangers around you, your luggage is oh-so-carefully placed on a personal cart and gently conveyed to its own secure corner of the plane’s holding area. If delayed or altogether misplaced, your luggage will be lovingly shrink-wrapped, plastic locked, and heavily tagged/taped minutes before you recieve them once again, proving that international airport staff and travelers have not been tampering with your belongings for 11 days, 16 hours and twenty-seven minutes. The bonus? You will also not be able to open the luggage you have been without for your entire trip because airport staff know that the temptation to put on something clean or charge your phone on the spot would be too great and that ultimately, you would rather do this in the privacy of your own home, two hours later. Forget that three-toed Brazilian sloth dead from an overdose of heroin in your American Tourister roller bag; just let it remind you of how badly you have always wanted to visit Sao Paulo.

While your carry-ons are inspected at seemingly random times in random airports for your protection, these searches are in place to remind you of what might be harmful to you and your fellow passengers. Without the weary, hungover, 18-year-old bag inspector pushing around the contents of you duffel bag while looking at your tits, you might expose your fellow travelers to dangerous fumes emanating from your mentholated lip balm or the annoyance of your over-exuberant Vitamin-watered self. It’s best to leave these liquids and gels packaged securely in ziplock baggies which are then placed on a card table, in a large heap of similarly packaged items out in the middle of your gate’s ramp, guarded by no one.

I can’t speak for everyone, but when I travel by air in the USA, I feel like I’m observing the world through amber-colored glasses. But should you ever feel your security is the least bit threatened, your airport will be happy to furnish you with a shiny steak knife just before you get on the plane, conveniently concealed- I mean, wrapped- in a clean white napkin bearing the TGIFridays’ logo.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Airport Entymology

Recently, I had the good fortune to spend some time away from Backwards City. I chose to spend most of this time in international airports. After carefully studying the lifeforms that congregate in these hubs, I have prepared my observations of various species, categorized by their dominant emotion:

Indignant Rage:
When airport stewardess (see Lonely Malaise) asks child-sized shape to stop rubbing his pelvis on the seat beside him, child-sized shape will respond with indignant rage. Features include *bulging eyes *arrogant disbelief *ruddy cheeks *profanity

Lonely Malaise:
The most common airport species, this hearty breed is often seen smoking outside the terminal (in designated areas). When disheveled businessman (see Impotent Disdain) asks to switch his aisle seat, uniform-clad shape will respond with a blank stare and explain that the flight is very full, because it is booked to capacity, which makes it very full. Features include *bright make-up *eerie, unwavering smile *divorce(s)

Impotent Disdain:
Just sort of sits there and rolls its corpulent eyes. Features include *Americans *bad ties *bourbon *sweat stains (one hopes)

Look for upcoming travel writing involving more airport culture in imminent posts.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007

You Know, Fiddy Got a Point

From an interview with 50 Cent in Spin, July 2007:

Are you worried about the state of the music industry and that hip-hop record sales are down 30 percent from the time of your last record? You know what's interesting to me? If we're selling 30 percent less records, then really, what's the problem that people have with us? Why isn't the violence down? If we're that fucking' influential, you know what I'm saying?

Violence should be down 30 percent?
Yeah, why isn't the violence down 30 percent? Ask that question in your article. I'd like to know the answer to that!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Eschatology and Archeoastronomy!

Yesterday's New York Times Magazine featured an On Language column that had absolutely nothing to do with language, a Neal Pollack article (about feeding his son hot dogs) that was so boring it made Adam Gopnik look like Hunter Thompson and an interview with Wesley Clark that featured the questions "Why do Americans eat hot dogs on July 4?" and "Do you think the Founding Fathers ate hot dogs?"

In short, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was this assurance that I was going to die anyway, probably in 2012. Yes, the Times decided to do a six-page glossy spread on Mayan eschatology. It even features soundbites from Anthony Aveni, an Colgate professor and archeoastronomer (if you don't know what that is, go here). Maybe next week there'll be an article about phrenology featuring two cryptozoologists.

Besides sounding like Da Vinci Code fan fiction (with sentences like "Jenkins was the first to reveal a major flaw in the synchronization between Arguelles's Dreamspell and the Mayan day count, and he has been involved in an extensive, long-distance feud with Calleman since 2001 over their differing approaches to interpreting the Maya and over Calleman's belief that the end time will be in 2011, not 2012.") there was something else that bugged me about the article. It was a quote from the archeoastronomer: "Jenkins and Calleman and Arguelles are the Gnostics of our time. They're seeking higher knowledge. They look for knowledge framed in mystery. And there aren't many mysteries left, because science has decoded most of them."

It's kind of silly to think that science has solved most of the mysteries of the universe. Just look at the What We Don't Know from the February 2007 issue of Wired. The article was edited by John Hodgman (who also edits the Times Magazine's Funny Pages) and presents 40 different dilemmas that science has so far been unable to answer, ranging from "Why do we sleep?" to "Is the universe actually made of information?" Basically, this post is a long-winded way to say that you should check out the Wired article and everything else John Hodgman does.

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