Dear Internet,

Did you know that if you, innocent as a lamb in snow, are looking for sliding doors for your home, and you Google "sliding doors," you are confronted with a page dealing not with doors that slide, but rather Sliding Doors, a 1998 filmic abortion in which Gwyneth Paltrow plays two different characters in a feat of acting echoed only by Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap, Jean-Claude Van Damme in Double Impact and Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me?

The plot of Sliding Doors, in case you have yet to be blinded by the almost magical amount of failure that this film exudes on a TBS Saturday afternoon, is this: Gwyneth Paltrow is for some reason in London. Why? Because it's classy, like the Queen, Earl Grey tea and Pete Doherty. Here the plot splits and in one version of the story, Paltrow catches her train (called the "tube" because Londoners have speech impediments) and catches her boyfriend cheating on her with Jeanne Tripplehorne because Tripplehorne is a talented actress who has never had anything to do with Coldplay. In the other version, the tube doors close and Paltrow misses her train and misses catching her boyfriend in coitus with Jeanne Tripplehorne-- hence the stabbingly obvious title, Sliding Doors. Anyway, the plots are separated because in one Paltrow is a brunette and in the other she's blonde, which is the most subtle distinction since evil Spock had a goatee. This film has all the romance and mystery of a frat keg laced with roofies.

Thus, I propose this to you, the internet, my angel of justice-- we make actual sliding doors outrank the movie Sliding Doors. If you blog at all, please sign this petition and add a post to your blog linking http://www.foldingslidingdoors.com/ to the key words "Sliding Doors." Why have I chosen Spaceslide? Because like the film, it's based in London, but unlike the film, it never dated Ben Affleck or wore the most offensive fucking fat suit this side of Martin Lawrence for Shallow Hal.


Plus, unlike the film, http://www.foldingslidingdoors.com/ does not make me want to blind myself and Oedipus-like, wander the countryside rather than experience the circumstances the world has thrust upon me, hoping for a violent death for which only the fates may be held accountable. Please make this happen for the sake of accuracy and aesthetics everywhere. Films like this are the reason I drink.

Finally, you can sign my petition here.

Sincerely,
Christian