tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70186622024-03-12T22:09:08.532-04:00Backwards City<big><big>Update your bookmarks! <br><a href="http://gerrycanavan.com">Gerry Canavan's blog has moved</a>.</big></big>Gerry Canavanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12821256718713645033noreply@blogger.comBlogger5431125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-25831433667458970152009-11-17T09:36:00.001-05:002009-11-17T09:37:22.363-05:00Gerry Canavan Has Moved AgainIf you're looking for Gerry Canavan's blog, I've moved again:<br /><br />NEW URL: <a href="http://gerrycanavan.com">http://gerrycanavan.com</a><br />NEW RSS: <a href="http://gerrycanavan.wordpress.com/feed/">http://gerrycanavan.wordpress.com/feed/</a>Gerry Canavanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12821256718713645033noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-80436911967193173102009-10-09T15:22:00.005-04:002009-10-09T15:55:24.014-04:00Publishing Now That Publishing Is Collapsing<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBRCdScQEOijVZaSpWNs_Rk5tBYSDqJBSNvkJDIZwLT5F5prql2RB80sa_9-Q9seUWTdJ6cSLNFeuTFIa491mEdFajPF4BpSlHDWH3NkXf4syy8AlbDfGxfG53of6mHXHosAS8/s1600-h/500x_internet.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBRCdScQEOijVZaSpWNs_Rk5tBYSDqJBSNvkJDIZwLT5F5prql2RB80sa_9-Q9seUWTdJ6cSLNFeuTFIa491mEdFajPF4BpSlHDWH3NkXf4syy8AlbDfGxfG53of6mHXHosAS8/s320/500x_internet.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390686287817663586" /></a><span style="font-style:italic;">No pen, no ink, no table, no room, no time, no quiet, no inclination. <br />--James Joyce</span><br /><br />Sure-- there's no money in publishing and there's not even anywhere to publish these days. So what's a writer to do when s/he needs the instant gratification of acceptance? Microblogging could be the last bastion of the publishing world. If anyone's still reading this, there's some great Twitter accounts out there. First, there's <a href="http://twitter.com/cnfonline">Creative Non-Fiction Tweets</a>, which is pretty much like <a href="http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords.html">Six Word Stories</a> 2.0. Next, check out <a href="http://twitter.com/5seven5">5Seven5</a>, which is 1.) run by me and 2.) perfectly happy to retweet the haikus of all you <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?defid=952612&term=weeaboo">weeaboos</a> out there. If you're looking for someplace to showcase your work (and perhaps point a potential agent-- PROTIP: they're not impressed with the dick jokes and 2006 pictures of you in a Borat costume), I highly recommend our friends at 18 Digits, the kings of <a href="http://www.18digits.com/">Gainesville web design</a>. Happy microblogging, kiddos! Remember the first rule of writing-- it's not nearly as annoying when you do it.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-59703881445500082852008-12-02T21:59:00.004-05:002008-12-02T22:07:38.969-05:00The Distance to the Moon<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipnGldU9mAsrPlfhpi52jtoGwUVWbAg1AxXzT8_8ii4Gd5tIJnJRan4p7bN4MzgRC0TurevvT7xIi6jz1bL8I_he8ZadCm_9ujHJpaO-OxTpx0PtfTnu9FPRTvJNUzSdvl-GgN/s1600-h/distance+to+the+moon.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 290px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipnGldU9mAsrPlfhpi52jtoGwUVWbAg1AxXzT8_8ii4Gd5tIJnJRan4p7bN4MzgRC0TurevvT7xIi6jz1bL8I_he8ZadCm_9ujHJpaO-OxTpx0PtfTnu9FPRTvJNUzSdvl-GgN/s320/distance+to+the+moon.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275394977576380146" /></a><br />If you've felt lost by the recent spate of shoot-'em-up video games (and by "recent," I mean since, like, ever), I highly recommend <a href="http://www.kongregate.com/games/danielben/i-wish-i-were-the-moon">I Wish I Were the Moon</a>, a charming Flash game inspired by Italo Calvino's "The Distance to the Moon," the first story in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cosmicomics">Cosmicomics</a>. <br /><br />(Oh, and in case you got here through a false positive, if you're actually wondering, the distance to the moon is 382,500 kilometers. Sorry about the confusion.)Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-35747573171773246312008-11-29T18:49:00.006-05:002008-11-29T19:03:11.526-05:00Writing Is Just Boxers and Lunches and Philosophy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLsFRWyZk_-E5oxG6XGnWs-vnphv4QhaMIEybW1XxRys8eVOrfTy66tJsyN3Y35r7oPGwRJLMBsDr3OJ2TcghnsvwHI_oMKudh6HztcxPFkd38_DxBURiVdYkq10aVMFhIEnXE/s1600-h/mailer-ali-cp-3878720.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 220px; height: 285px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLsFRWyZk_-E5oxG6XGnWs-vnphv4QhaMIEybW1XxRys8eVOrfTy66tJsyN3Y35r7oPGwRJLMBsDr3OJ2TcghnsvwHI_oMKudh6HztcxPFkd38_DxBURiVdYkq10aVMFhIEnXE/s400/mailer-ali-cp-3878720.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274234019050786466" /></a><br />“'Someone at The New Yorker recently gave me a tip on someone who’s a boxer and a philosopher—that came from a lunch!'”<br />--Norton editor Bob Weil, in a recent <a href="http://www.observer.com/2008/media/publishing-bigshots-told-open-canned-tuna-eat-desk">Observer</a> interview about expense-account-lunch cutbacks in the wake of a rapidly declining print market.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-84438644951539280202008-11-17T13:08:00.005-05:002008-11-18T17:53:38.457-05:00Does This Mean I Can Stop Pretending to Like Prince Now?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTqgQHCpKw2rI8FOMb-6GXLqro2vmdPzrZV4nlv0PZapizQYoGnxvDBxIAYJwpmIMcGYcHlZMC0Hflf9lzxefJlaCjM784zJIl5PWVGpOWGeUGUwg1pGKiTwy257KNzhQQb0lz/s1600-h/prince+2.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 48px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTqgQHCpKw2rI8FOMb-6GXLqro2vmdPzrZV4nlv0PZapizQYoGnxvDBxIAYJwpmIMcGYcHlZMC0Hflf9lzxefJlaCjM784zJIl5PWVGpOWGeUGUwg1pGKiTwy257KNzhQQb0lz/s400/prince+2.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5269690095251691138" /></a><br />Really? Really. Because that's who we needed to be the moral arbiter in this situation. Prince. Because when he's not too busy making velveteen <a href="http://www.canvasrus.co.uk/">canvas prints</a> of his own face, he's become a Jehovah's Witness and likes to knock on people's doors to talk to them about the rapture. [Via <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/talk/2008/11/24/081124ta_talk_hoffman">The New Yorker</a>]<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Update (11/18/08)</span>: <a href ="http://perezhilton.com/2008-11-17-prince-was-misquoted-the-singers-camp-claims">Perez Hilton claims</a> Prince was misquoted? Um... it's Prince and Perez Hilton claiming that <span style="font-weight:bold;">The New Yorker</span> is sloppy? Whatevs.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-40239082249145326832008-10-30T15:27:00.002-04:002008-10-30T15:39:24.773-04:00Um... Did Anyone Else Catch This Today?<a href="http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/my_year_of_flops_disgustingly">Today at The Onion AV Club</a>, Nathan Rabin's review of The Rocketeer just comes completely unraveled, starting at the very beginning:<br /><blockquote><br />But The Man couldn't control our daydreams, so filmgoers continued to fantasize in the dark. Moviegoing is simultaneously a communal and anonymous endeavor. Lusting after the same handful of beauties binds filmgoers together. Drooling over Marilyn Monroe united fathers and sons, beatniks and squares, Americans and people who wish they were American on account of America being so awesome. USA! USA! USA! (Sorry 'bout getting jingoistic there. A little-known provision of the Patriot Act dictates that the phrase "USA! USA! USA!" must appear at least twice in all ongoing online columns lasting more than 120 entries.)</blockquote><br />And it goes on like that for almost 600 words. Either Nathan Rabin is doing something very, very cool, or else he's bat-fucking insane and is just an imagined thumbs up away from strapping on some <a href="http://www.ikandihairdesign.com/">dread extensions</a> and doing a one-man show of improvised slam poetry based on interviews with <a href="http://howardzinn.org/default/">Howard Zinn</a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russ_Meyer">Russ Meyer</a>.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-23913974262280536202008-09-14T14:16:00.003-04:002008-09-14T15:35:50.207-04:00R.I.P. David Foster Wallace, 2/21/62-9/12/08<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zPWh9yQbU4E&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zPWh9yQbU4E&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">[Skip to 23:18 for DFW]</span><br />"Crane went sudden as a springboard. The Gulf gave nothing back." <br />--William Gass, <span style="font-style:italic;">The Doomed in Their Sinking</span>Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-35590497432780439502008-09-12T11:48:00.004-04:002008-09-12T11:59:08.959-04:00"Non-Mac" Is the New PC<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvuXVJVYm1X0rsxwY1jf6bjXtq9ceyGuCBFbvVyUgWNRX9KLgfqIXNl3h8AixWXWxv22Fx5reo_9f8A7vzENebBjda-1M9ku6jFcxsDUDMUILZbuYrLSS7ttjZp9d3-X6zah7/s1600-h/90210.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvuXVJVYm1X0rsxwY1jf6bjXtq9ceyGuCBFbvVyUgWNRX9KLgfqIXNl3h8AixWXWxv22Fx5reo_9f8A7vzENebBjda-1M9ku6jFcxsDUDMUILZbuYrLSS7ttjZp9d3-X6zah7/s320/90210.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5245163519764318738" /></a><br /><br /><br />Got it? Let's get this meme started. I want to see it everywhere, from on the <a href="http://www.cwtv.com/shows/90210">new 90210 show</a> to the Times (London) <a href="http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/">Book</a> section. <br /><br />I'm pretty sure this is how language works. Someone travels and hears something and starts using that word or dialect or starts cooking curries or other <a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/recipes/">recipes</a> or something and then everyone uses it. I might be wrong but I think I'm right. Bloggers are the new sailors.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-63438945124358596892008-07-17T14:15:00.008-04:002009-03-23T10:08:21.641-04:00An Exercise in Disambiguation<a href="http://s292.photobucket.com/albums/mm11/christianexoo/?action=view¤t=sliding_doors.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm11/christianexoo/sliding_doors.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />Dear Internet,<br /><br />Did you know that if you, innocent as a lamb in snow, are looking for sliding doors for your home, and you Google "<a href="http://www.foldingslidingdoors.com/">sliding doors</a>," you are confronted with a page dealing not with doors that slide, but rather <span style="font-weight:bold;">Sliding Doors</span>, a 1998 filmic abortion in which Gwyneth Paltrow plays two different characters in a feat of acting echoed only by Lindsay Lohan in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Parent_Trap_(1998_film)">The Parent Trap</a>, Jean-Claude Van Damme in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_Impact">Double Impact</a> and Lindsay Lohan in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Know_Who_Killed_Me">I Know Who Killed Me</a>?<br /><br />The plot of <span style="font-weight:bold;">Sliding Doors</span>, in case you have yet to be blinded by the almost magical amount of failure that this film exudes on a TBS Saturday afternoon, is this: Gwyneth Paltrow is for some reason in London. Why? Because it's classy, like the Queen, Earl Grey tea and Pete Doherty. Here the plot splits and in one version of the story, Paltrow catches her train (called the "tube" because Londoners have speech impediments) and catches her boyfriend cheating on her with Jeanne Tripplehorne because Tripplehorne is a talented actress who has never had anything to do with Coldplay. In the other version, the tube doors close and Paltrow misses her train and misses catching her boyfriend in coitus with Jeanne Tripplehorne-- hence the stabbingly obvious title, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Sliding Doors</span>. Anyway, the plots are separated because in one Paltrow is a brunette and in the other she's blonde, which is the most subtle distinction since evil Spock had a goatee. This film has all the romance and mystery of a frat keg laced with roofies.<br /><br />Thus, I propose this to you, the internet, my angel of justice-- we make actual sliding doors outrank the movie <span style="font-weight:bold;">Sliding Doors</span>. If you blog at all, please sign <a href="http://www.petitiononline.com/slide/petition.html">this petition</a> and add a post to your blog linking http://www.foldingslidingdoors.com/ to the key words "<a href="http://www.foldingslidingdoors.com/">Sliding Doors</a>." Why have I chosen Spaceslide? Because like the film, it's based in London, but unlike the film, it never dated Ben Affleck or wore the most offensive fucking fat suit this side of Martin Lawrence for <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shallow_Hal">Shallow Hal</a>.<br /><a href="http://s292.photobucket.com/albums/mm11/christianexoo/?action=view¤t=1029381000_1140718413243.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm11/christianexoo/1029381000_1140718413243.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />Plus, unlike the film, http://www.foldingslidingdoors.com/ does not make me want to blind myself and Oedipus-like, wander the countryside rather than experience the circumstances the world has thrust upon me, hoping for a violent death for which only the fates may be held accountable. Please make this happen for the sake of accuracy and aesthetics everywhere. Films like this are the reason I drink.<br /><br />Finally, you can sign my petition <a href="http://www.petitiononline.com/slide/petition.html">here</a>.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />ChristianChristian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-65906030134137418422008-03-20T18:40:00.004-04:002008-03-20T19:22:54.459-04:00And With That...And with that, I have some sad news. <i>Backwards City Review</i> is suspending operation as of its 7th issue, which is now back from the printer and being mailed out shortly. There'll be more details forthcoming, but for now let me say, on behalf of all the editors, past, past, and future, it's been a lot of fun, and thanks.The Editorshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11980870972628048894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-4970174998260611892008-03-20T18:36:00.003-04:002008-03-20T19:22:39.018-04:00Green Man in Suburbia Released!We know it's been slow around here. But we've got good news: the second <i>Backwards City</i> Chapbook has finally been released! The book is Marcia L. Hurlow's <i>Green Man in Suburbia</i>, which you can order <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Green-Suburbia-Backwards-City-Poetry/dp/0979295416/">directly from Amazon</a>. <br /><br />Marcia L. Hurlow is a native of Mt. Vernon, Ohio, and a professor of English and journalism at Asbury College in Wilmore, Kentucky. <i>Green Man in Suburbia</i> is her fifth collection of poems, and if I say so myself, it's clearly the best.<br /><br />It's a fantastic collection, and we're all very excited about it.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Green-Suburbia-Backwards-City-Poetry/dp/0979295416/"><img src="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/images/cover-BIG.gif" width="500" border="0"></a>The Editorshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11980870972628048894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-7484438181122049142007-12-05T11:33:00.000-05:002007-12-05T11:38:55.456-05:00Sorry About the Break...Our reading period was particularly intense, but I promise to post more regularly now. <br /><br />For now, please enjoy <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=449302">From Lowest to Highest: the levels of greatness a fiction writer can achieve in America</a>, from <a href="http://www.thestranger.com">The Stranger</a>. <br /><br />A sample: <br /><blockquote>PONY ON A PONY FARM OF A CHILD OF A BILLIONAIRE: Joy Williams/Mary Robison/Frederick Barthelme/Ann Beattie<br /><br />Considered "important" and "serious" by most critics, writers, and journalists, but are held back from further greatness by an inability to make grand pronouncements using sociological, political, or psychological terms in an earnest tone that conveys "I am very smart and this is my serious literature." Held back also because they sometimes publish in smaller magazines, some of which don't even contain advertisements from Knopf or American Airlines; because some of their e-mail addresses can be found on the internet; and because they would never consider writing from the perspective of someone in a terrible event that they did not experience. Occasionally mentioned by Used Honda Civics in "Great" Condition (see below) to prove a generalization wrong. Do not make enough money from their books to not have teaching jobs. Too godless and without rhetoric to win a major award or be satisfactorily written about by the important literary critics of our time.</blockquote>Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-60857005901518639312007-10-09T01:41:00.000-04:002007-10-09T02:42:50.220-04:00Backwards City 666<a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/index.html"><img src="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/images/cover6thumb.jpg" align="right" border="0" hspace="10" vspace="10" width="300" /></a>Excerpts from the latest and greatest issue of <span style="font-style: italic;">Backwards City</span> are now up at <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/index.html">backwardscity.net</a>. We're extremely, extremely proud of it, even if it does contain the most prominent printing error we've ever managed; we feel it's sort of fitting. (Really, it's not all <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span> prominent, just in one of the contributors' notes—but it eats us up inside. We're perfectionists. It's the OCD that keeps us going.)<br /><br />Subscribers' issues are going in the mail tomorrow and should be in your hot hands in a few days. While you're waiting, enjoy comics from <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/motley.html">T. Motley</a> and <a href="http://www.xkcd.com/">xkcd</a>, fiction from Fiction Award winner <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/hollars.html">B.J. Hollars</a> and <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/shannon.html">Michael Shannon</a>, and poetry from <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/grimm.html">Mary Grimm</a>, <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/lockridge.html">Tim Lockridge</a>, <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/shumate.html">David Shumate</a>, and <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/clark.html">Charlie Clark</a>.<br /><br />And when it's time to get maudlin, begin to mourn with the <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/06issue/envoi.html">original editors' farewell</a>.The Editorshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11980870972628048894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-75793580604142352682007-10-07T04:34:00.000-04:002007-10-09T02:03:41.317-04:00No Love for L'Amour<img src="http://cache.eb.com/eb/image?id=66537&rendTypeId=4" align="right" hspace="10"><br />From today's <span style="font-weight:bold;">New York Times Magazine</span> <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/07/magazine/07wwln-q4-t.html?ref=magazine">interview </a> with Peruvian writer <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mario_Vargas_Llosa">Mario Vargas Llosa</a>:<br /><blockquote><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">NYTM</span>: Did you ever meet President Reagan? <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">MVL</span>: Once. I said to him, Mr. President, I admire many things that you do, but I cannot accept that for you the most important American writer is Louis L’Amour. How is this possible?</blockquote><br />Uh... maybe because Reagan owned <a href="http://www.americanpolitics.com/102099Corn.html">more</a> <a href="http://www.friends.ca/News/Friends_News/archives/articles09220502.asp">horses</a> <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/archive/2004/06/07/impossible-to-hate-lying-crook-reagan-89520-14309308/">than</a> <a href="http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/non-fiction/article1959725.ece">books</a>.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-42434471920253185562007-10-01T14:12:00.001-04:002008-07-21T15:20:20.211-04:00But Where Do I Get My JT Leroy Money?<img src="http://www.filmsnack.se/uploads/monthly_06_2007/post-3109-1182700984.jpg" align="right" /><br />Today's the last day to file a class-action claim against James Frey. If you bought <span style="font-weight: bold;">A Million Little Pieces</span> on or before January 26, 2006, you're entitled to some money. Go <a href="http://www.amlpsettlement.com/">here</a> to file before midnight and get some.<br /><br />If you feel guilty, don't-- you can always use your cut to buy Frey's new novel, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bright Shiny Morning</span>, for which he was <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/behind_the_deal/james_frey_sells_novel_to_harpercollins_66894.asp">reportedly</a> paid one milllion dollars.<br /><br />The score thus far:<br />James Frey: 1,000,000<br />Truth: 0<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Update</span>: The Smoking Gun (which originally broke the whole escapade) has the fiscal information <a href=http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1001071frey1.html>here</a>.<br /><br />P.S. Avoid Frey's new novel and instead buy one of the J.T. Leroy-inspired <a href="http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/penis-bone-necklace-sterling-silver-2">raccoon penis bone necklaces</a>. (Carefully cast out of silver to avoid any cruelty to raccoons. Now if only we could get some made as <a href="http://www.watchus.com/">pewter charms</a>.Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-31635812693192625062007-09-29T11:03:00.004-04:002008-08-13T17:04:24.816-04:00You Write Like a Terrorist<img src="http://www.nsf.gov/news/mmg/media/images/dark_f.jpg" align="right" /><br />The National Science Foundation extols its new <a href="http://www.nsf.gov/news/news_summ.jsp?cntn_id=110040">Dark Web</a> project, "which aims to systematically collect and analyze all terrorist-generated content on the Web."<br /><br /><blockquote>This is where the Dark Web project comes in. Using advanced techniques such as Web spidering, link analysis, content analysis, authorship analysis, sentiment analysis and multimedia analysis, [Hsinchun] Chen and his team [Artificial Intelligence Lab at the University of Arizona} can find, catalogue and analyze extremist activities online. According to Chen, scenarios involving massive amounts of information and data points are ideal challenges for computational scientists, who use the power of advanced computers and applications to find patterns and connections where humans can not.</blockquote><br /><br />How, exactly do they plan on analyzing the data?<br /><blockquote><br />One of the tools developed by Dark Web is a technique called Writeprint, which automatically extracts thousands of multilingual, structural, and semantic features to determine who is creating 'anonymous' content online. Writeprint can look at a posting on an online bulletin board, for example, and compare it with writings found elsewhere on the Internet. By analyzing these certain features, it can determine with more than 95 percent accuracy if the author has produced other content in the past. The system can then alert analysts when the same author produces new content, as well as where on the Internet the content is being copied, linked to or discussed.</blockquote><br /><br />Robot literary critics fighting terrorists? Computer-assisted identification of anonymous authors has been used before, though on a much smaller scale. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Foster_%28professor%29">Don Foster</a>, Shakespeare scholar and "literary forensics" pioneer, developed the field in the 1980s, when he confirmed that the previously unattributed 1612 "A Funeral Elegy for Master William Peter" signed only "W.S." was indeed William Shakespeare. In 1996, Foster identified journalist <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Klein">Joe Klein</a> as the anonymous author of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_Colors">Primary Colors</a>, a political satire of the Bill Clinton's 1992 presidential campaign. (If you insist, you can read all about it in Foster's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Author-Trail-Don-Foster/dp/0805063579">Author Unknown</a>.)<br /><br />The problem is that Foster uses computers only for the "search" feature of electronic texts. There's no algorithm that simply finds a match. Foster caught Klein by (among other things) his use of "tarmac-hopping," a compound that appeared nowhere else but in the journalism and fiction of Joe Klein. Just pick any distinctive phrase (even if it is innocuous), like "<a href="http://trustedplaces.com">Italian restaurant, London</a>" and run it through a search engine. You won't find many matches but the ones that do pop up will be notable. <br /><br />The NSF may be over-hyping the Dark Web system. The University of Arizona's website only promises that Dark Web "will include tools supporting search, browse, and analysis capabilities."<br /><br />It is certainly possible to identify writers by their use of certain words-- David Foster Wallace's use of "ontological" or Hunter Thompson's use of "atavistic" pop into my mind almost immediately. (Any others? Leave them in the comments.) But could a computer do the necessary parsing to positively identify a writer's style?Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-77549208855496719682007-09-27T13:06:00.001-04:002007-09-27T13:06:45.956-04:00Alienating Labor Pains<span style="font-weight:bold;">The world is flat-- and grossly exploitative.</span><br /><img src="http://www.loc.gov/bookfest/2005/bioimages/friedman.jpg" align="right" /><br />We’ve all taken notice of America’s great quest of more for less, and using whatever means necessary to achieve it. And the word "outsourcing" just makes it seem so fancy and great, right? As you gently pry a red train with lead-based paint out of your child’s hands, maybe you could deign to ponder, “Where, exactly, is the line? And do we care about crossing it as long as we get what we want at a lower cost?”<br /><br />Perhaps misunderstanding Marx's alienation of labor, we now have the <a href="http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/features/womb-rent-surrogate-mothers-india">outsourcing of surrogate mothers</a> in India. Now, customer service and tech support-- those are familiar to anyone who's owned a Dell or even thought about Thomas Friedman's mustache (pictured at right), but human wombs? The cost of surrogacy averages about $70,000 in the US but is a fraction of that in India-- just $12,000, which includes medical expenses and the surrogate's fee.<br /><br />On one hand this seems pretty exploitive, but the $5,000-7,000 surrogate's fee is nearly ten years earned income in rural India. Confined by a patriarchy and a lack of employment options, surrogacy offers uneducated Indian women a chance to have their own money and a future for themselves and their families that probably wouldn’t happen otherwise. When asked if she felt exploited, surrogate mother Sofia Vohra responded, “Crushing glass for 15 hours a day making $25 a month is exploitation. The baby’s parents have given me a chance to make good marriages for my daughters. That’s a big weight off my mind.”<br /><br />These surrogates are virtual recluses during the pregnancy, as surrogacy is considered risque in rural India-- many villagers don't understand that the process doesn't involve sex and so consider the practice akin to prostitution-- and there is a risk of the entire family being shunned. Further, a large percentage of Indian women are required to sign documents that grant them no paternal rights, unlike in the US, where a surrogate has a small window of time to stake a claim. This puts the biological parents' minds at ease, but also gives backing to the stance that these women, most of whom are illiterate, are being somewhat duped.<br /><br />Estimated to be a $445-million-a-year business, surrogacy in India is expanding as fast as these women’s waistlines, and parties on both sides of the ocean seem to be reaping the benefits. Even so, is this blatant economic exploitation? In utero imperialism? Or simply a mutually profitable business arrangement?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-8856810487340783572007-09-24T15:43:00.000-04:002007-09-24T16:28:14.052-04:00Comics Are Gay, But They Hate Themselves For ItRemember when bullies would beat you up and call you a fag for reading superhero comics? It turns out they should have read those comics-- they would have enjoyed all the sadistic gay bashing. <br /><br />Perry Moore, author of the young-adult novel <a href="http://www.perrymoorestories.com/content/books.asp">Hero</a> (a superhero story about a gay teenager, which you can buy <a href="http://www.perrymoorestories.com/content/buy.asp">here</a>), has compiled a list,<a href="http://www.perrymoorestories.com/content/hero.asp?id=superheroes">Who Cares About the Death of a Gay Superhero Anyway?: A history of gays in comic books</a>, of the fates of about 75 gay comic-book heroes and villains. The list is meticulous, occasionally hilarious (such as "The Hulk's Near Rape" at the hands of predatory gay men in a YMCA shower) and often harrowing-- in short, fascinating and definitely worth checking out. Here's a short excerpt:<br /><blockquote><em>BLOKE<br />First openly gay member of Marvel’s X-Force/X-Statix. Killed on his first mission.<br /><br />ELECTRO<br />This longtime Spiderman nemesis recently discovered his predilection for homosexuality as a result of a lengthy stint in prison. Sought out a shape-changing prostitute to satisfy his new desires.<br /><br />EL EXTRANO<br />Gay magician member of superteam New Guardians. His name means “The Strange One.” Embodied numerous, offensive gay stereotypes. Attacked by an “AIDS vampire.” Forgotten after series was cancelled.<br /><br />NORTHSTAR<br />1st gay male hero to come out in the Marvel Comics Universe, thus making him their most prominent gay hero. Between February 16 and March 9, 2005, Northstar is killed in three different realities, during the most prominent of which, the X-Men’s most popular hero, Wolverine (star of the X-Men movies), impales him through the chest with his metal claws. Marvel’s most prominent gay hero is later resurrected as a murderous zombie assassin.<br /><br />FREEDOM RING<br />Hailed by Marvel Editor-In-Chief Joe Quesada as the new example of Marvel’s open policy toward gays in their books as “the star of Marvel Team-Up.” Quesada went on to say, “We’ve had more gay and lesbian characters appearing in Marvel comics than ever before.” Marvel Team-Up #24, three weeks after Quesada’s comments, features Freedom Ring, his finger sliced off and then graphically killed with 28 spikes impaling him, including one through the groin and protruding from his anus. Series cancelled with issue #25.</em></blockquote>Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-27311281806132467092007-09-07T07:54:00.000-04:002007-09-07T07:56:37.727-04:00The Submissions, They Have ReopenedFiction and poetry submissions are back open at <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/review/submission/submission.html">backwardscity.net</a>. Check back here soon for a redesign to befit <span style="font-style:italic;">Backwards City</span> #7, excerpts, as well as all-new! all-different! blogging (just as soon as we get that pesky revolution under control).The Editorshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11980870972628048894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-68806342807672105162007-08-06T11:23:00.001-04:002007-08-06T12:50:26.512-04:00On Language, vol. 2<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/275000/images/_279844_affleck_and_damon150.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 185px;" src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/275000/images/_279844_affleck_and_damon150.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Matt Damon visits the "Hard-Rocking" Cafe </span><br /></span><span><br /><span>Safire's <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/05/magazine/05wwln-safire-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine&oref=slogin">back </a>from vacation and as usual, every sentence is just a bevel of shit you never cared about. Like the difference between "chief strategist" and "senior political adviser." Hint: It's entirely semantic but somehow still important, kind of like the difference between "certified bachelor on the prowl" and a plain old "registered sexual predator." </span><br /><br />But that just left me with mild boredom rather than full-blown embarrassment. Luckily, I quickly found <a href="http://movies2.nytimes.com/2007/08/03/movies/03bour.html">Still Searching, But With Darker Eyes</a>, Manohla Dargis' review of <a href="http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/331166/The-Bourne-Ultimatum/overview">The Bourne Ultimatum</a>. "Jaw clenched, brow knotted, body tight as a secret, Matt Damon hurtles through 'The Bourne Ultimatum' like a missile," reads the first line, and the review proceeds accordingly, its 5th grade sycophancy finally bursting with "[The director] knows how to do his job, and there's no one in Hollywood right now who does action better, who keeps the pace going so relentlessly, without mercy or letup, scene after <span style="font-style: italic;">hard-rocking</span> scene." (Italics mine.)<br /><br />Like catching your Uncle Steve masturbating, you want to just back away slowly, but unfortunately, the Gray Lady just decided to go ahead and seriously print "hard-rocking" as both (1) serious criticism and (2) a hyphenate. Why?<br /><br />"Hard-rocking" first graced the pages of the New York Times on September 12, 1980, describing a John Lennon recording session. It was first used in a movie review three years later, on September 23, 1983 in Janet Maslin's review of the New Jersey rock epic, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_and_the_Cruisers">Eddie and the Cruisers</a>, which still employed the phrase in a musical context.<br /><br />The phrase wasn't made completely devoid of meaning until March 4, 2001, when writer Dan Neil asserted that "It isn't hard to spot a cultural trend in the hard-rocking commercials for the Nissan Frontier," which makes Neil the first in the cultural trend of using "hard-rocking" to mean "establishmentarian" and "literally commercial."<br /><br />"Hard-rocking" at the Times doesn't have to involve music and can be anything abrasive or just attempting a mysterious "cool." (e.g. "Your Uncle Steve's hard-rocking Matt Damon jag-off session.") So just go ahead and use "hard-rocking" to mean any fucking thing you want. Really, everything rock-related is going to die anyway with the coming birth of <a href="http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1564016/20070703/madden_joel.jhtml">this</a> Rosemary's baby/chupacabra creature from Nicole Richie and Emo posterboy Joel Madden. Just keep rock-harding until then. Or whatevs.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-91120217088924188022007-08-02T10:36:00.000-04:002007-08-02T11:03:45.662-04:00With Great Prizes Come Great Responsibility (or not so much)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrNSXWr-YVoE_Gh6pYob9zjg6bYNvZWqyZ-WQ_JHUTdXV7R7SFfUX4m1D6VtJOtBmVqmj1ZNYS5AtGV7OLBTKHMVyu5jKQDk2Q2wtCmwcLJcco4v-LYcpJToN6ewTRbrqRNik1JA/s1600-h/donkey+reading.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrNSXWr-YVoE_Gh6pYob9zjg6bYNvZWqyZ-WQ_JHUTdXV7R7SFfUX4m1D6VtJOtBmVqmj1ZNYS5AtGV7OLBTKHMVyu5jKQDk2Q2wtCmwcLJcco4v-LYcpJToN6ewTRbrqRNik1JA/s320/donkey+reading.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5094118979213571682" /></a><br />Congrats to all the BCR Contest Winners. But Backwards City isn't the only place handing out prizes these days. Why, just look at the United States and their new poet laureate in this NY Times Blog <a href="http://papercuts.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/08/02/politics-and-the-poet-laureate/#more-100">"On Paper."</a> The article muses on the political stance of the new PL, Charles Simic, and speculates that his past public statements might make him a more vocal critic of the Bush administration. Though I have great respect for Simic's work and his political views, I think this overestimates the esteem and influence of the position of poet laureate. <br />There has been a serious decline in literary reading in the United States in recent years. In 2004 the National Endowment for the Arts released a survey entitled <a href="http://www.nea.gov/news/news04/ReadingAtRisk.html">Reading at Risk: A Survey of Literary Reading in America</a>. The gloomy title suggests that the findings are not good. What is somewhat shocking is how bad the results actually are. Between 1982 and 2002 the United States saw a ten percent decline in readers of literature, or nearly 20 million readers. This decline occurred despite a growing population. In the current cultural climate fewer than half of Americans actually read literature.<br />Of this half, most are readers of short stories or novels, which were read by 45.1 percent or 93 million adults in the previous year. Poetry was read by 12.1 percent or 25 million people. With so few readers, <a href="http://www.cortlandreview.com/issue/26/dobyns.html">Can Poetry Matter?</a> To get a little Reading Rainbow about it, what do you think (5 Bonus Points to the first post "acknowledging" a Shelley quotation)?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-29111664086350019912007-08-01T16:12:00.000-04:002007-08-01T16:14:58.916-04:00Victory Is Theirs!<a href="http://backwardscity.net"><img src="http://homepage.mac.com/languageismycopilot/backwardscitydotnet/backwardscitylogo.jpg" align="right" hspace="10" width="300" border="0"></a><span style="font-style:italic;">Backwards City Review</span> is pleased to announce the winners of its 2007 fiction and poetry contests!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">POETRY</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Winner</span><br />Jocelyn Casey-Whiteman, “Kimberly Cutout”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Finalists</span><br />Jill Beauchesne, “Armistice Day”<br />Woody Loverude, “Covenant”<br />Lynne Potts, “Whole Worlds Had Already Happened”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">FICTION</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Winner</span><br />B.J. Hollars, “Conservation Status of Least Concern”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Finalists</span><br />Joe Oestreich, “Trouble Doll”<br />Kelcey Parker, “Lent”<br />Mike Young, “Burk’s Nub”<br /><br />The winners and selected finalists will appear in <span style="font-style:italic;">Backwards City</span> #6, arriving in your mailbox this fall<br /><br />Keep watching backwardscity.net for information on the winner of our second chapbook contest, as well as deadlines and addresses for next year’s writing contests!<br /><br />Regular submissions reopen on Sep. 1. Thank you, as always, for your support of <span style="font-style:italic;">Backwards City</span>.The Editorshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11980870972628048894noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-24870192857018122682007-07-15T14:54:00.000-04:002007-07-16T18:01:43.992-04:00On Language: Don't Dis LikeSafire's, like, on vacation or something this week, but Patricia T. O'Connor <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/15/magazine/15wwln-guest-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine&oref=slogin">fills in</a> with a column on "like." Specifically, how <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span> can introduce a quotation ("'She's <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span>, 'What unusual shoes you're wearing?''") or paraphrase one ("''She's <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span>, my shoes are weird!'") Jennifer Dailey-O'Cain, an associate professor at the University of Alberta says of <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span>, "'It's innovative, it serves a particular function and it does specific things that you can't do with other quotatives.'"<br /><br />O'Connor summarizes: <blockquote>So is the new <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span> proper English? Well, the latest editions of The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language and Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary now include it as a usage heard in informal speech. That's not a ringing endorsement, but it's not a condemnation, either.</blockquote>Which isn't bad, as she explains: "Yet part of the resistance to <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span> may be its youthful rep." After all, "rep" to mean "reputation" (freely used by O'Connor and printed by the New York Times) isn't even <a href="http://www.bartleby.com/cgi-bin/texis/webinator/ahdsearch?search_type=enty&query=rep&amp;amp;amp;amp;db=ahd&Submit=Search">listed</a> in the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language. <a href="http://mw1.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rep">Merriam's Webster's</a> lists it as "slang."<br /><br />But how long will it be before <span style="font-style: italic;">like</span><span> finds its way into the news section of the New York Times? My guess? Give it a year or so. After all, "dissing" first appeared as a quote-marked novelty ["</span><span style="">Dissing</span><span style=""> (verb: to insult, from disrespect)"] </span><span>in a 6/2/90 article headlined "How to Stop Dis From Escalating Into Bif and Bam." Yet on 9/9/91, the Times was dropping the D-bomb like they was from the old school: "Connors cared so much about winning, about himself, that he willed himself into the semifinals, even to the point of dissing a chair umpire one nasty evening." The subject of the article? Tennis, actually. Recently, a 3/2/07 article read: "A year later Zarin Mehta, the orchestra's president and executive director, is blithely dissing that lone CD release." The latest hip-hop feud? Hells, no. The article was about the New York Philharmonic's three-year recording contract with Deutsche Grammophon.<br /><br />Word up-- keep it real.<br /></span>Christian Exoohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12931850781451941285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-21309698315008491582007-07-12T13:19:00.000-04:002007-07-12T15:14:21.827-04:00Amber is the Color of Security<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNev9mOVOgY0vRNQx4w09UbNR8qa-k9TMmJr001v78KZHtwAOtm8EMlpsrCqJXir608HkwFXxGApiyYz5A8C76mcljrQ9RVLmLqWbYvaJXNVST5j5iTN6NE4ii0aNAC8Ijj6r60A/s1600-h/50-60s_20.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5086366236146498466" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNev9mOVOgY0vRNQx4w09UbNR8qa-k9TMmJr001v78KZHtwAOtm8EMlpsrCqJXir608HkwFXxGApiyYz5A8C76mcljrQ9RVLmLqWbYvaJXNVST5j5iTN6NE4ii0aNAC8Ijj6r60A/s320/50-60s_20.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>It’s summer and you want to relax, but work’s a grind and your old lady is always nagging you about the litter box or the living room curtains. All this tension and heat are driving you to drink. A vacation seems like the perfect solution, and the 21st century American airport is arguably the best part of the trip. All this anti-terror campaigning now leaves American travelers safely wrapped in an amber security blanket as soon as they book the flight.<br /><br />So its not 1947 and you’re not Howard Hughes-- no worries, Traveler, aviation’s heyday is just now burgeoning. Why, this border-control legislation has created the highest demand for US passports in the history of travel! Now, more Americans than ever are desperate to get out of the country-- and all will find they can do so with dignity and safety. After waiting six months to receive one’s $200 expedited passport and removing all nail files, safety pins, and contact lens solution from their carry-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ons</span>, it’s off to the airport. After several anxious sidelong glances at your line-mates and that suspicious fanny-pack left on the self-check-in kiosk, your tickets are collected, your passports stamped, and your boarding passes neatly tucked into an envelope bearing your gate’s number-- you’re now off to Security! Upon arrival to the security-ensuring area, you are safely felt up, patted down, interrogated further, and are shuffled half-dressed and shoeless through an x-ray machine. If you happen to be entering the US as a foreign traveler, you are invited to take some cozy photos and shake hands with a few security-ensuring machines that scan your iris and fingerprint you. No matter where you are from, you are encouraged to eat well and be merry in flight. There’s no better way to be awoken in transit than by an announcement urging you to scarf down your delicious home-made mozzarella and tomato lunch sandwiches at 7:45 in the morning so as not to incur a $500 fine when you’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ve</span> returned to the good <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ol</span>’ US of A. We would'nt want any terrorists bringing their secret family recipes oversees, corrupting our refined American palates with their noxious flavors and tedious preparations. Surrounded by all these threats, yet shielded from them at every turn in American air travel will leave you feeling at first anxious, then superior, and ultimately, safe.</div><div> </div><div>Your luggage is similarly cared for by American airport personnel, allowing you to travel worry and hassle-free about the globe. The bags, checked or carried, are treated with the same respect and care you gave them while packing them up at home. For example, airport staff at all points of transportation carefully inspect your luggage by X-ray and by hand for dangerous items such as battery-operated vibrators that have shifted and turned themselves on during ground transport or birth control pills and anti-depressants, to ensure that these items are legal and yours. Once you have explained your lifestyle and psychological defects to the baggage handlers and strangers around you, your luggage is oh-so-carefully placed on a personal cart and gently conveyed to its own secure corner of the plane’s holding area. If delayed or altogether misplaced, your luggage will be lovingly shrink-wrapped, plastic locked, and heavily tagged/taped minutes before you recieve them once again, proving that international airport staff and travelers have not been tampering with your belongings for 11 days, 16 hours and twenty-seven minutes. The bonus? You will also not be able to open the luggage you have been without for your entire trip because airport staff know that the temptation to put on something clean or charge your phone on the spot would be too great and that ultimately, you would rather do this in the privacy of your own home, two hours later. Forget that three-toed Brazilian sloth dead from an overdose of heroin in your American <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Tourister</span> roller bag; just let it remind you of how badly you have always wanted to visit <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Sao</span> Paulo.<br /><br />While your carry-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ons</span> are inspected at seemingly random times in random airports for your protection, these searches are in place to remind you of what might be harmful to you and your fellow passengers. Without the weary, hungover, 18-year-old bag inspector pushing around the contents of you duffel bag while looking at your tits, you might expose your fellow travelers to dangerous fumes emanating from your mentholated lip balm or the annoyance of your over-exuberant Vitamin-watered self. It’s best to leave these liquids and gels packaged securely in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ziplock</span> baggies which are then placed on a card table, in a large heap of similarly packaged items out in the middle of your gate’s ramp, guarded by no one.<br /><br />I can’t speak for everyone, but when I travel by air in the USA, I feel like I’m observing the world through amber-colored glasses. But should you ever feel your security is the least bit threatened, your airport will be happy to furnish you with a shiny steak knife just before you get on the plane, conveniently concealed- I mean, wrapped- in a clean white napkin bearing the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">TGIFridays</span>’ logo.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7018662.post-43308165892213977802007-07-11T14:53:00.000-04:002007-07-11T15:14:38.534-04:00Airport Entymology<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjJGYTAgqQbH7BHSijfNz5jNPNtxhMUuymQHa82egmg9rhmbvGsk_-MCRbPwEc7YWzRhAC5-17D0RWH_P4g8xPUIxd0DvB_EUflOAjWQaOwZAA626pWpHYjBLzbXDM4eIixmfBFA/s1600-h/flymachine.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjJGYTAgqQbH7BHSijfNz5jNPNtxhMUuymQHa82egmg9rhmbvGsk_-MCRbPwEc7YWzRhAC5-17D0RWH_P4g8xPUIxd0DvB_EUflOAjWQaOwZAA626pWpHYjBLzbXDM4eIixmfBFA/s320/flymachine.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5086019757162739714" /></a><br />Recently, I had the good fortune to spend some time away from Backwards City. I chose to spend most of this time in international airports. After carefully studying the lifeforms that congregate in these hubs, I have prepared my observations of various species, categorized by their dominant emotion:<br /><br />Indignant Rage:<br />When airport stewardess (see Lonely Malaise) asks child-sized shape to stop rubbing his pelvis on the seat beside him, child-sized shape will respond with indignant rage. Features include *bulging eyes *arrogant disbelief *ruddy cheeks *profanity<br /><br />Lonely Malaise:<br />The most common airport species, this hearty breed is often seen smoking outside the terminal (in designated areas). When disheveled businessman (see Impotent Disdain) asks to switch his aisle seat, uniform-clad shape will respond with a blank stare and explain that the flight is very full, because it is booked to capacity, which makes it very full. Features include *bright make-up *eerie, unwavering smile *divorce(s)<br /><br />Impotent Disdain:<br />Just sort of sits there and rolls its corpulent eyes. Features include *Americans *bad ties *bourbon *sweat stains (one hopes)<br /><br />Look for upcoming travel writing involving more airport culture in imminent posts.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0