Look, you know what I'm gonna say. There was no way this movie was ever going to live up to its potential or to my expectations, much less my hopes. But indulge me.

The moment that finally broke Superman Returns for me came during the film's climax. Up until then I'd been mostly won over by the fun of the film's set pieces, and was even coming to terms with the tremendously poor casting of Brandon Routh, who successfully manages to look and sound a bit like Christopher Reeve but is so wooden and dull that you hardly care. (The film's dripping sense of self-importance is somewhat harder to ignore, particularly given the sledgehammer-subtle religious imagery. There are two crucifixation scenes. But until the very end, I was able to tolerate it. Mostly.)

One narrative flaw I found myself unable to get over was the amazingly short-sighted decision to give Lois Lane a five-year-old son, a waste of screentime the filmmakers seemed to already be regretting in this movie, much less three sequels from now. More than once Lois herself completely forgets she has a son. So what's going to happen in Superman Returns Again? "Hey Lois, where's Jason?" "Oh, he's at camp." They've shot themselves in the foot here; what are they going to do with this kid in the sequel? In the sequel after that? Did they think about this at all beforehand? Apparently not. The only way the son angle can possibly pay off is [SPOILER, THOUGH YOU HAVE PROBABLY ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT FOR YOURSELF] in a Kingdom Come-esque fight to the death between Superman and son three sequels from now. I'll be rooting for that. Otherwise Jason Lane is just a retcon waiting to happen.

But anyway, the moment that breaks the film.

The moment that breaks the film comes when Superman -- who is of course deeply vulnerable to green kryptonite, who has in fact been stabbed with green kryptonite, all while standing on an massive landmass made up of green kryptonite which the filmmakers have already established completely strips him of his powers [SPOILER, AGAIN, BUT AGAIN, IT'S OBVIOUS] -- is somehow able to get underneath the giant kryptonite island, lift it into the air, and throw it into outer space, all with a sliver of deadly, power-stripping kryptonite still in his body. Then he collapses from exhaustion. After he lifts and throws 1000 tons of kryptonite into space.

You can't help but laugh at that. Then you can't help but notice that even though two hours have passed by enjoyably enough, it's hard to imagine why a person would ever want to watch this movie twice. That the script is pretty poor, actually, now that you think about it, the dialogue especially; that the special effects are also surprisingly disappointing, particularly any shot of Brandon Routh in the suit lifting something heavy; that much of the mechanics of the plot have been shamelessly stolen from the earlier movies; that the entire plot doesn't just hinge on Kryptonian nonsense magic, but on the Kryptonians having invented nonsense magic whose only possible application is the destruction of all life on Earth (just add water); that as paper-thin as the Clark Kent ruse has always been, this movie quickly strains it well past the breaking point; that Anthony Lane was right, they really didn't come up with anything interesting for Superman to do besides stop bank robberies; that they actually saddled Lois Lane with a son, for Christ's Kal-El's sake.

The sad part is, despite its flaws, this is by far the best movie adaptation of Superman yet -- and it's going to do huge business, which means the filmmakers will have no incentive to try and do things right in the sequel.

This movie is just nowhere near the same league as Batman Begins or X-Men 2 or Spider-Man 2. It's a failure, wrapped in a Twinkie; it tastes fine going down but afterwards you can't believe you swallowed it. The film never gives us any reason to invest ourselves in what's happening, and Brandon Routh (unlike, say, Christopher Reeve) isn't actor enough to make us care about what's going on despite that fact.

But at least he doesn't turn back the rotation of the Earth in this one. Though you can't help wondering why he didn't, given that in the movies he can, and it would sure be the easiest solution to his problems...